ConnectiCon was incredible. How that show manages to be as amazing as the previous year’s show time after time is a blessing I don’t care to question, and I will enjoy it for as long as that magic lasts. I have so many good memories from this past weekend.
But there’s one memory among them all that especially stands out for me. It happened during the Cosplay Death Match, which I host every year, where I expressed my body image issues and got booed into oblivion.
Here’s what happened.
Many years ago a tradition developed at the Death Match where the crowd would chant “take it off!” at me, encouraging me to remove my shirt. I did so because I am nothing if not an accommodating host. When I began seriously working out and actually looking in-shape I began neglected to wear a shirt at all! I was proud of how I looked! Then the pandemic happened, gyms closed down, I got sad, my motivation to exercise slowly went away, and as I’ve gotten steadily older over the years I have less energy for muscle-building exercises. Nowadays I’m self-conscious of how I look shirtless, if only because it’s a reminder of how I used to look and how my motivation has gone away with my physique.
This year, for the Death Match, I was feeling especially self-conscious and decided to address the crowd as such when the usual “take it off!” chants would inevitably begin, and they did. I said, “While I’m flattered that you all still want to see me shirtless, the truth is that I’m feeling a self-conscious this year.”
And they booed the hell out of me.
I was surprised, to be honest, and knew they wouldn’t stop chanting “take it off!” until I relented. So I did. I wasn’t thrilled but I knew I had to make the crowd move on so we could continue with the Death Match. But then a thought occurred to me and I said to them, “I don’t know if you all just body-shamed me into taking my shirt off or flattered me into it, and I’ll figure that out by the end of the night.”
Thankfully I got my answer and it coincided with the thought I’d had.
Several people from the crowd, both immediately after the show and the following day, came to me both apologizing for booing me and making me think my boundaries weren’t being respected. The booing was meant for my body image issues, as though it were a separate entity harassing me, and that I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable before a crowd of people who love how I look no matter what.
If that sounds strange, it’s probably because you’re not from the northeastern United States, where this sort of “compliment” and “encouragement” is commonplace.
We here in the northeast are kind but not nice. We will bend over backwards for our friends and for strangers but we will make fun of you the entire time we’re doing it. So the crowd was essentially responding, “Dude, you’re being an idiot. We love you and think you look great no matter how you much you doubt yourself. Now stop being a dumbass and take off your shirt.”
The compliment was in there, I just had to dig for it.
Do I still have body image issues since I lost my workout physique from years ago? Yeah, and I probably will for a long time. Do I know there are strangers out there who have a strange way of showing their body positivity? Yeah, and I will keep that in my heart for just as long a time.