Just before a performance I get pre-show butterflies. It’s the name for the nervous flutter I feel in my chest and stomach before I step out on stage. I’ve felt them every time, from high school theater shows to hosting burlesque shows to ConnectiCon’s Cosplay Death Match. No matter how confident or prepared I am, they always appear. They’re my nervous energy made manifest, and as much as their presence makes me worry that “this is the year I’m going to fuck up,” I’d be more nervous if I didn’t feel them. I need my pre-show butterflies.
The only problem is they’re fluttering already, and I haven’t left for ConnectiCon yet! What’s making them appear so early? Two things.
The first is that the physical copies of DREAMER, the last book of Snout’s adventure, are scheduled to arrive at my house today! I’m glad they’re arriving in time for ConnectiCon but I wish they were scheduled to arrive a day or so earlier! Their window of delivery is wide, so it could be any time before lunch or into the early evening! On top of that, there’s always the worry that something went wrong with the printing and I’ve waited these six weeks for books that are defective! That last part is unlikely, but I’d feel negligent if my anxiety didn’t at least acknowledge the possibility.
The second is that my cat barfed on my laptop last night and now it won’t turn on. It’s currently sitting in pieces under a blanket so my cat can’t get to it again, as my wife tries to clean the puke out of whatever is keeping the machine from powering up. We think it’s just dried barf keeping the power button from turning the machine on, but it’s still in a difficult place to clean. But now I have to go to a convention with the nagging knowledge that, if we can’t get it to work, I need to buy a new laptop, which is an expense I wasn’t prepared for.
So if you’re coming to ConnectiCon this weekend (which I hope you are!) and you see me a little more anxious and jittery than usual, now you know why. If the copies of DREAMER are with me and they look as good as I hope they do, then at least half of my butterflies will be soothed…
…until the hours before the Death Match, where I hope they return.